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Tuesday, February 12, 2008

When your mood reflects the weather

How many cloudy days can we endure without having the color seep into our psyche? I don't know how the rest of you feel, but I've struggled mentally of late with the grayness of the days.

Sunday was one of those really, really bad days. "Want to go to 10:30 Mass?" my husband asked. "Nah, I'm not feeling it today," was my response. "Want some eggs and toast for breakfast?" he asked. "Nah, I'm not feeling it today."

I wasn't feeling much of anything except, as my mother would say, "Blah." I stayed in my PJs, slippers and glasses all day. I tried to read the latest New Yorker and Atlantic mags, but I couldn't focus on the lengthy stories. My brain seemed to jump from topic to topic and felt restless and jumpy. Yet my body felt strangely lethargic.

The selection of movies On Demand did nothing for me. The idea of a walk or any kind of exercise did nothing for me. Didn't feel like talking or listening to anyone. Around 2 I decided to go back to bed to take a nap. Usually, if I do nap, it's a quick 20- or 30-minute job on the sofa. But I turned on my heating pad and nestled under the down comforter for a two-hour nap. My sleep was fitful, full of bizarre dreams that caused me to wake with a start only to sink back into my pillow and into slumber.

I opened one eye to look at my clock, which read 4:09 (which really meant it was 3:59, I set my clocks 10 minutes fast to trick myself into believing I'm not late). My body felt like lead, but slowly I dragged myself out of bed to try to reengage with life.

It's been a long six weeks of 2008. Delayed payment for several projects invoiced in early December have wreaked havoc on my personal finances. I'm playing catch-up and watching every penny, playing financial triage with the bevy of bills due at the first of the year. I planned poorly over the holidays and should have been better about ensuring a steadier flow of income.

It's highly demoralizing to work and work and then have to work so hard to get paid. Changes in the way I work are in order this year, some of which have already been made. No more Ms. Nice Writer. I'm demanding to be paid.

I need a haircut and color, new shoes, new contact lenses and some new clothes. I need to pay several memberships and subscriptions that I couldn't renew before the end of 2007. The taxes need to be prepared for the accountant and we'll hope we don't get another fright this year.

It sounds ridiculous to let money (or the lack of it, even temporarily) get me down, but it does and it has. Maybe I'll feel better in a few more weeks when the checks start to arrive. Maybe the mailman will bring me a surprise today.

In the meantime, I know what needs to be done—I need to motivate myself to exercise daily instead of three times a week. I need to drink more water and get more sleep.

And I need to see the sun.

1 comment:

Michelle O'Neil said...

No more Ms. Nice Writer. : )

"Don't take a piss without being paid for it!"

: )

Still no sun as of yet, but hope you are feeling better.