Wise words from a Roman poet

"Take rest; a field that has rested gives a beautiful crop." -- Ovid

Recalibration

As we quietly slip out of our vacation rental and into the blackness of the early morning, I’m a little melancholy at the thought of vacation coming to a close so quickly. The morning seems to reflect my mood. As we make our way across the bay bridge, there’s a sliver of a moon reflected on the water’s surface, only its edges and reflection are both blurred by morning fog.

My mind feels foggy, partly from the lack of caffeine but also due to its aimless wandering. Eventually my thoughts turn toward the realization that while I am sad to see my vacation come to an end, it also marks a beginning…a recalibration of sorts.

As we drive northward, the knot of tension magically reappears between my neck and left shoulder blade. My tendency to become consumed by my work has GOT to change. After having spent a week waking with the sun, sipping my coffee, reading, walking, playing with my family and yes even writing again, I realize how out of balance I had become.

My life has always been a quest for balance. The search for balance in living a creative life is why I started this blog six years ago. Why is it so difficult to find equilibrium? To find that blissful place between consumption and ambivalence?

As the sun rises above Alabama skies and we wander the back roads of U.S. 331, my thoughts turn to the past two years, how life has changed mostly for the good, but with some serious adjustments.

I returned to full-time work outside of the home (I qualify this because I’ve never really stopped working full-time) and while I managed a good balance at first, I’ve been consistently putting in 60-hour weeks for the past eight months. As the months ticked by, my view became myopic, only allowing me to get through the next task, the next meeting. I found myself thinking, “If only I can get through X, I’ll be able to breath easier.”

But what I’ve realized this week is that the work will always be there, as evidenced by my endlessly buzzing Blackberry, which I managed for the most part to ignore for the week. People will always have needs and requests of me because it's the nature of the position I now hold. I need to better manage my expectations of myself, to pace myself. I’ve got to set boundaries—AND stick to them.

So I’m going to start this week with small changes.

I’m already up early most mornings so I’m going to exercise three of those mornings. I'm too tired when I get home at 7 no matter how good my intentions are at the start of the day. I’m going to leave my office at 5 every day because I miss having dinner with my family. And I’m going to return to writing…some of it may appear here, but because I'm writing more for me, more will appear in my private journals. We'll see where it leads.

My oldest son turns 18 this year. We’re looking at colleges and getting him ready for his next big adventure. I want to enjoy every minute of that experience.

Finally, I’m going to find the time to better enjoy the people in my life—my family, friends and those people who have meant so much to me over the years. Maybe this time, I’ll be able to make the recalibration stick.

The fork in the road

It's been a while since I've posted with any regularity here at Creative Ink. Humble apologies to any regular readers I might have. My creative and productive energies have been diverted elsewhere for the past few months into some very important and meaningful personal projects that required my full attention.

As a result, I've had little brain activity leftover to share meaningful thoughts here. I'll try to do better as life starts to settle into the normal workday/school day routine. Part of what I've done this summer is explore where I want to take my career moving forward. I have possible paths, but certainly nothing definitive. I am at the proverbial fork in the road.

I've spent four and a half years working full-time as an independent journalist from home. It's been great in so many ways. Here are some professional highlights:

• Started Creative Ink in March 2004 and through that writing began reconnecting with the dreams of my younger self.

• Traveled to New York City for the first time twice in 2004 and thoroughly enjoyed exploring the Big Apple on my own.

• Got my passport and my first passport stamps when I traveled to Seoul, South Korea in 2004. I was one of the only female speakers at East Asia Journalists Forum, which obligated me to perform many toasts during our meals.

• Had my first PD feature published in May 2004; lead to weekly book reviews in PD for 18 months before burnout set in and freelance budgets were slashed.

• Traveled to New York City and Las Vegas in 2005, both times with awesome traveling companion Jill Zimon. 

• While in Las Vegas in 2005, had exclusive interview with former New York Times reporter Judith Miller upon her release from prison.

• Discovered the beauty and soulfulness of Thomas Merton; wrote article in 2005 on his influence on modern-day Catholics that started a three-year working relationship with Catholic Universe Bulletin. Oh, and that story also won first place in religion coverage in 2006 Ohio SPJ Awards.

• Traveled to Chicago in August 2006, but I'm disappointed to say that I saw little of the city other than the conference hotel and the Billy Goat Tavern. I hope to return soon.

• Had first article published in Continental Magazine in October 2006.

• Applied for and was accepted as a member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors in February 2007

• Traveled to Anniston, Alabama, in April 2007 where I met Gay Talese and Rick Bragg among a host of other wonderful southern storytellers who continue to inspire me.

• Risked much professionally, personally and financially by calling out national SPJ leadership on a bad decision that ultimately was reversed in August 2007. Still a painful memory, but something I would do again in a heartbeat because it was the right thing to do.

• Started my third year of writing about small schools transformation at Cleveland Heights High School in August 2007 and discovered a passion for urban education that may dictate my future professional plans.

• Began consulting editor relationship with Catalyst Ohio magazine in November 2007 that continues to this day.

• Applied for Peter Jennings Fellowship for Journalism and the Constitution, was accepted and traveled to Philadelphia, Penn., in March 2008. Among my colleagues there was Atlantic national correspondent and author Mark Bowden, who has been very kind and generous in providing direction and assistance when asked.

• Had my first feature published in the Christian Science Monitor in April 2008, with subsequent stories in May and July.

• Was shocked, confused and then honored to be named Cleveland SPJ Distinguished Service Award winner in May 2008.

• Won first place in feature writing for article about group of St. Ignatius High School pallbearers from the Catholic Press Association in June 2008.

Over the summer I reached a few conclusions that will alter my writing future. First, is the financial reality that with my oldest son heading to college in three years, I need a more stable and consistent form of income. Second, is that I'm exhausted—I mean could sleep for a week straight exhausted—by the nonstop hustle of getting work and trying to get paid in something resembling a timely manner. Third, is that I realize my writing has reached a point of stagnation. Stagnation is akin to death for a writer. I need new creative challenges to push me forward. Fourth is that I'm tired of working in isolation. I'd like to be a part of a more collaborative working environment that allows me to brainstorm, share and learn from others.

So where do I see myself in the next few months? I honestly don't know. I'd like to continue being a journalist, though frankly the opportunities to do so and remain in Cleveland are extraordinarily limited. I check the job boards daily and there's little in Ohio, let alone in Cleveland. I've reached out to some colleagues, but the news is always dire about cutbacks rather than hiring. I'm not about to close off any path. I do have some potential opportunities in the works that could fall into any of the following categories:

1) Find a great job at an existing media outlet that allows me to explore narrative and new media journalism either as a writer and/or editor.

2) Get some funding and start my own new media venture that allows me to lead a team of professional, citizen and student journalists toward development and launch of a dynamic multimedia site.

3) Go to graduate school to study history and begin work on becoming a history professor.

4) Find another avenue for using my writing and editing skills outside of journalism. 

5) What every writer aspires to do: write a book. 

My path is not clear, but I hope it will be illuminated soon.  

Obama on writing--and reading

Hattip to Mother Reader for posting this:

"There was one question in particular of interest to us book lovers, and
that came from a woman who asked what Obama would say to young writers. He was
surprised by the question, which he admitted was one he hadn’t heard before, but
didn’t hesitate to answer. He referenced his two books, and specifically
mentioned how he wrote them himself, along with many of his speeches. With a
light inflection, he said, “In terms of getting a job, knowing how to write is a
good thing.” He talked about how he kept a journal, and how it was important for
teaching him not only how to write, but also how to think. But my favorite part
was when he said, “Over the course of four years I made time to read all of the
Harry Potter books out loud to my daughters. If I can do that and run for
president, then you can find time to read to your kids. That’s some of the most
special time you have with your children.”

On another unrelated note, my MacBook crashed this morning and I'm working here and there out of the library. I hate these clunky Dell keyboards. No other choice, though. Pray, pray that repairs are not too expensive and I've not lost too much since my last backup. UGGHHH!

Busy, busy; thanks, but no thanks; Copper Cup closed; and summer arrives

My backlog of posts I'd like to write is growing hourly. Of course I'll never get to half of them. As I told someone recently, I could write a post on the things I meant to write a post about. But a steady stream of deadlines has kept me hopping and otherwise committed. I'll try to get something halfway thoughtful posted later this week based on an event I attended last week, especially since it wasn't covered in the news.

Over the weekend I was daydreaming to my hubby how I'd love to take off the entire month of July. A month of playtime in the summer would be just enough to recharge the batteries. After that I'd be itching to get back to work. But with college looming in three years, such a break is unlikely.

Thanks, but no
Here's an open question: How is an anonymous $2 million gift to keep open one of the city's most vibrant parishes, which is spiritually and financially strong, deemed "inappropriate" by the Diocese? Disclosure #1: I attend St. Peter's Church from time to time and was at Sunday's Mass when the Parish Council made its report. I've been spiritually nourished by the parish's adult education series, including RCIA classes. Disclosure #2: The PD story quotes Robert Zack, who is a close family friend and used to be my boss years ago at Avenues magazine. Disclosure #3: I am a regular contributor to the Catholic Universe Bulletin, the diocesan newspaper. Disclosure #4: Bob Tayek, the diocesan spokesman, and I served on the local SPJ board together back in the early 1990s.

Copper Cup closed?
As a Bay Village resident, I am most loyal to Bob and Lisa Lowrie, proprietors of Java Bay. But I can't work there because there's a steady stream of people I know and there's no wireless. Just over the tracks on Dover Center Road in Westlake was the Copper Cup, which did offer free wireless in a fairly quiet beautiful setting. Unfortunately, it's closed right now and that's unfortunate for the legions of West Shore folks who worked there. But then again, one wonders how it can survive when a customer spends four hours and buys only a $2 cup of coffee. Hmmm...

Summer—and heat—arrive simultaneously
We just turned our furnace off a few weeks ago. I'm already sick and tired of having the house closed up with the A/C. I'd like to open the windows and smell the peonies in bloom.

We're headed back to the ortho today for a new, short, hopefully waterproof cast. This heat, humidity and a two-week-old cast = YUCK! Five days into summer vacation, we have yet to hit the pool. That has to be some kind of record.

Word of the day
vibrant: pulsating with life, vigor, or activity

Women lawyers falling behind at local firms

[Sigh] Well, here we go again.

There's another study out indicating [shockingly] that women attorneys quickly fall behind at local law firms. Are we surprised?

We shouldn't be. Women partners at local firms range from 7 percent to 22 percent, according to the Cleveland Bar Association, and despite graduating from law school at the same rate as men.

PD reporter Alison Grant writes:

Though law firms are gradually become (sic) more diverse, the panel said lopsided patterns persist because of:

The entrenched model of billable hours as a measure of productivity.

The diminished chance to make partner after taking a detour to have children or care for elderly parents.

Discounting of women's ambition and drive if they don't follow a standard path.

The tendency of some women to be so relieved about their success that they forget to help female associates coming behind them.

Let's look at these a little more closely, shall we? Billable hours means the more hours you work, the more you can bill and the more money the firm (and ostensibly the partners) can make. Related to that is reason number two, which basically means if you take time off to have a family or care for aging parents, you're no longer producing money for the firm and hence, become a liability.

Not following the standard path? Seems to me that's cause for celebration and meritorious pay, not a hindrance to success. But I suppose if you break out of a firm's group think mentality by combining unusual interest areas—hmm, say law and social work—that throws the good ole boys into a quandary. I mean, what do you do with such a lawyer? Hey, quantity over quality though, right?

Sadly, that last point is something I've written about for The Plain Dealer business section, though at the time the topic was greeted with a healthy dose of skepticism.

Women need to recognize that the sooner we start helping each other out in business, law, education, leadership development, finance, philanthropy, social services, etc., the sooner we will achieve a more equitable playing field with men. We certainly can't leave it to THEM to grade the terrain.

My favorite quote in this story comes compliments of Bob Duvin, founder of Duvin, Cahn & Hutton. He says:

"I've been dazzled, stunned by the ability of many women to work either full time or something close to full time and also be wives and mothers," Duvin said. "It isn't easy, and a byproduct is it sometimes hurts your career."

Bob—can I call you, Bob?—to say we are dazzling in our ability to juggle is a gross understatement. How do YOU manage working full time and being a husband and father? I mean, it isn't easy and the byproduct is that is sometimes hurts YOUR career.

Oh...wait...only it doesn't. THAT, Bob, is the fundamental problem. It's called a "double standard." So take that back to your board room and chew on it for a bit. Better yet, why don't you talk to the female partners and lawyers in your firm and ask them how they do it. While you're at it, why don't you ask them how the firm can help them better balance both with impunity. Please, Bob, don't forget to bring a woman into that discussion.

Then you can come back to a public forum and talk intelligently about this topic.

One more quibble on this story: I would've asked the women partners quoted in the story how they've gotten where they are in their career. How do they balance marriage, family and career? Did they give one or more of those up in favor of the other? Did they feel they had no choice?

It's not enough to say they lead law firms, we need to know in the context of this story how they broke the mold to get where they are.

Moving on...

Isn't it easier to go with the flow rather than take an unpopular stand?

It's neater certainly, tidier in many ways. But what if you feel so strongly that you cannot sit back and are willing to sacrifice professionally and financially for something you believe?

Does modern society even value such a position?

These are the questions that have gone through my head as I made the decision to rant here and to resign from my part-time position as Membership Manager for the Society of Professional Journalists.

In a nutshell, top officers decided to join major media companies in an amicus brief supporting National Geographic over a freelance photographer. The photographer was suing to get paid for reuse of his work in an anniversary CD ROM. The work dates back to the 1980s before freelancers even knew what "electronic uses" were. Without ever stating what dog SPJ had in that fight, I discovered that SPJ's legal counsel at Baker Hostetler recommended such action. It also lists National Geographic Society as one of its media clients (along with SPJ). I don't know if that played a part in the decision, but absent any other explanation, it certainly appears to have played a role.

At the very least, this was a decision that was made recklessly and without full input of those most affected by its precedent—freelancers. At worst, it was an ethical breach and a break from SPJ's long history of not weighing in on labor/management issues because it has members from both constituencies. Somehow that position is okay for staffers, but not for independents. I was left scratching my head and clearly the top leaders didn't feel a need to answer my questions about the decision.

In the immediate aftermath, I questioned my reasons for wanting to help other journalists. What was I really hoping to gain? Was it selfishness? Pride? Or was it my own sense that someone had to speak up for others who weren't able or willing to speak up for themselves? I like to think it was the latter, but maybe my ego also was served by my involvement.

Monday night was a sleepless one as I tossed and turned, ran conversations through my head, came up with things I should have said or should have said better. That day and night felt very lonely and isolating, as if the good works I had spent fours years on were suddenly erased by my decision to take a forceful stand.

I was the only one in a position to do so. No one else even knew about the decision until I discovered it by accident. Someone had to shine the light and I was in the unique position to be able to do so.

But did anyone else even care? In the wee hours, I would go to my laptop and with my hands over the keyboard, hesitate to type what was on my mind: How journalists routinely expect sources to blow the whistle, to take a stand, but would never do so themselves. I spoke up and lashed out against my own and that night I felt sealed off.

No doubt there is a certain segment who will seal me out permanently. I have to let them go. But as the week wore on, I received support from good people who were sorry to see me go, but were trying hard to understand my reasoning. Most didn't ask for particulars and I didn't share unless they asked. Many more just figured it must have been something extreme for me to take such a stand.

I've fallen on my SPJ sword, taking such a drastic and dramatic step so that others in the organization may look up and say, "What the heck is going on here?" I hope that's the case, but I'm letting go of the outcome.

Because as the week wore on, I found the constant pain in my left shoulder evaporating. I took a two-hour nap on Tuesday afternoon in which I was practically unconscious. I feel a growing calm and peace with my decision. And I feel a sense of excitement at the future possibilities.

One door closes, another one opens. I'm moving on.

I would never presume to encourage others to make a similar decision as I have. This is personal and it's tough. I made so many friends and had so many opportunities through SPJ. Those things will continue. People will continue to join, renew and volunteer for SPJ. I don't begrudge them their support at all. I only know that for myself, selling and supporting an organization that doesn't speak for me as a freelance journalist became impossible the minute the national officers publicly signed on to a legal decision that supported publishers over freelancers.

In my resignation letter, I mentioned that I would be spending more time on my journalism and less time advocating for other journalists. That isn't entirely true. It's in my nature to help others and so I will continue to advocate for freelance journalists, just not through SPJ.

The fortunate thing in all of this is that I now have 20 hours more per week in which to be a freelance journalist. And that opens up a world of reporting and writing possibilities.

My shingle is back outside my door and I am open for more business.

A kindred spirit

"The tensions finally took their toll. I consistently put in extra hours; the office consistently scheduled meetings outside my allotted time. Then, one week, I realized that it was taking a full-time mental effort to make the part-time job work, and that I would rather put in longer hours at something I loved — my writing — than shorter hours at something I only liked.

So, I’m leaving the office and returning to a 40-hour-week of self-employment. Because, just like Jack Bauer, I’d really like to save my family and the world — and, at least for me, that’s a full-time gig."

From Christine B. Larson's essay "The Anguish of a Part-Timer" in Sunday's New York Times.